This post is by someone very dear to me: my sister-in-law. She has been through some devastating times that have occurred because of depression. She talks about how important it is to listen, truly listen to our children…because it could save their life.
Parenting a teen can be difficult. How do you know what they are feeling or what they need? Especially when it seems most of the time they don’t want mom or dad “prying” into their business. We want to give them space, space so they can grow and learn and make mistakes on their own.
We may ask ourselves – do I sit back in stands and watch? Do I stand on the sideline and cheer? Do I walk on the field and coach? Do I get in the game and help? Many times young adults send messages that are hard to read, because they may not understand or know exactly what they need or are feeling.
I have learned and continue to learn…despite how confident and self assured they seem bounding down for breakfast or in front of their friends, they are still fragile and working on their emotions on the inside. Sometimes, so fragile they need help.
All three of my older children have been profoundly touched by friends who have suffered from depression. This depression led to taking, or attempting to take, their own lives. My thoughts went haywire… is suicide on the rise in teens? What outside influences are causing this decision? Is it societal? Are we too busy? Is there too much pressure for perfection?
I am not an expert and I do not pretend to know the answers, but I need to spread awareness. I would not want anyone to feel so helpless, so dark that they feel there are no other options. No family should be torn to pieces over the loss of a loved one from suicide, addiction, or other self destructive behaviors that are caused by depression.
Depression is a subject shadowed by darkness and shame. Families who have suffered loss want to move on, and families who have helped their child overcome want to (naturally) keep their experience private to protect their still fragile young adult.
I would like to share a short excerpt from a friend. Her family’s life was turned upside down fighting for their son who suffers from depression. One phone changed his family’s life forever. Take a look:
‘Our third and youngest son has both anxiety and depression . I do want to preface this by saying that you can never be 100% prepared for what life throws your way, but, by you reading my story, you have made the effort to at least gain some knowledge about anxiety and depression for information to store for a later date. Our son was diagnosed at a young age with ADHD. He also recently was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. He is now sixteen. His depression and anxiety began at the end of eighth grade, so he was about 13/14 years old.
I answered my cell phone while at work, “’Hello? Simon? What’s up? I need to come get you? What is wrong? Where are you? You have what? Hello? Hello? Simon? SIMON?’ He hangs up on me….
I felt helpless. What was going on? Why my son? Why this phone call?
I took action and called the school immediately, “You have to find Simon. He is in a bathroom somewhere. He said he has ANXIETY. He hung up on me. You have to find him.”
They found him quickly and got him settled down. He made it through the day, but since that point he has been in and out of school, partial programs, emergency rooms, and hospitals.
What happened? Where did we go wrong? What did we miss? We can sit here all day long and ask questions, but in the end, Simon needed to make the choice to get help. Simon’s call to me shocked me. It never occurred to me that this bright young man, smart, caring, funny, thoughtful, and helpful child of mine was hiding depression and anxiety.
Since that occurrence, Simon has had a tough road. Depression is not a feeling or a mood. It is a disease. That disease almost stole my son from us. But, he is making significant progress. He is living life fully, mindfully, one day at a time. We are absolutely blessed that he is with us today. We support him and love him and care for him.
I share my story with you because I want you to hear about a family struggling with depression and anxiety. And, please:
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TALK to your kids – ask about friends, how things are going. Be specific.
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ALWAYS listen and NEVER judge.
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Stay in touch with the school, the coaches, the mentors, the leaders.
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Hug your kids often and tell them you love them ALL THE TIME.
You can be a parent to your kids by EMPOWERING them. Your children need to know they have somewhere to go and someone to listen: Simon came to me with a phone call from a school bathroom. Thank God.’
I would urge all parents of preteen, teen, and young adult children to parent with a listening ear. So often we talk to or at our children in commands, from “telling” them to do their chores and their homework to feeling perplexed or outraged by a decision they made. Yet, are we talking WITH our children? Asking them about their day or simply asking if they are okay? And in turn, are we truly listening when they answer and picking up cues when they do not have the words?
When I took the time to listen, I found out my children are perfectly fine, but also flawed humans (who isn’t?). I hope that my teen and 20-something children know, without question, that I am in the stands most of the time, on the sidelines some of the time, and when they need it…a coach or a player in their game of life. I will always be there with a listening ear and open heart.
If you or someone you know has a child showing signs of depression, here are some helpful sites and books:
Web:
To Write Love on Her Arms
Out of the Darkness
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Books:
Taking Charge of ADHD
By Russel Barkley
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
By Foster Cline and Jim Fay
Additional Resources:
Many hospitals have parenting and wellness classes. Be proactive and take them when your children are in elementary school.
